It's Not About Me?

 Do you ever make everything—or even just one particular thing—all about you? And then because of your selfishness you say or do something that hurts someone else…and you feel terrible? Please tell me it’s not just me. I’ve been doing this far too often recently and it’s been making me wonder, “Am I really this selfish?” Do I really care that much more about myself than about others around me? I suppose one could argue that since I am taking the time to ask myself these questions, then I must not be totally selfish, otherwise I wouldn’t care at all. But still, my actions haunt me.

 I have always considered myself to be someone who loves others with everything in me. While I don’t always love my enemies and I know that I am far too prone to judge others without knowing their story, that is something I am working on. And that isn’t what I think of when I think of myself as being someone who loves with my whole heart. When I say that, I mean that I am someone who, when I do love someone, I love them so deeply and unconditionally that sometimes I feel like it would be impossible to love them any more. That has led me to some heartbreak over the years, when I haven’t been loved quite the same way in return, but I cannot imagine being any other way. Now, I’m not saying that I’m perfect or that “no one loves better than me,” but I am saying that really loving others that way is important to me. However, that doesn’t line up at all with my self-centeredness of late. How can I consider myself to be someone who really loves others when I am putting myself before them at every turn? It just doesn’t add up.

 A part of me would love to give myself a little grace, and say that it’s only natural to take care of yourself every once and a while. If your feelings are a part of the issue, you should take the time to point out that your feelings are being hurt and ask the person who is hurting them to act differently. Besides, as my sister told me, it is commonly believed that when you’re in a serious relationship (I am and that is part of what has brought me to this realization), you naturally realize how selfish you are. Because you are learning how to loosen the rains you hold on your life and learn to instead share it with someone else, you are bound to realize how much you care about yourself and doing things your own way. Honestly, I am sure that is true. However, I just can’t let myself do that. I can’t let myself use these excuses to keep myself from feeling guilty for my actions.

 What I’m really getting at is, I’ve been taking a good look at my life lately and taking stock of how I spend it. I mentioned that in my post last Thursday; God has been gently nudging me to live more like Him, to live my life to the fullest, and I’ve been paying attention. Honestly, I’m not too sure I’m happy with what I’ve found. For someone who always feels like I never have enough time to do all of the things that I want to do, I have way too much time that is unaccounted for, wasted, and I couldn’t tell you even a day later what I had spent so much time doing. Not only that, but there are so many other things I should be doing. Or not doing. Namely, I shouldn’t be focusing so much on myself.

 Awhile back, I read Sadie Robertson’s Live Original, and there was one particular part that has stood out to me since. She wrote a lot about how we should “love well,” and ever since, I have wanted that to be my motto. But as time has gone on, and life has gotten crazy, I have clearly not followed that to the best of my ability. Now, God is calling me back to it once again. In order to be the type of Christian I should be—the kind I want to be—I need to spend my life loving God and loving others. Loving well. That daily inspires me. And right now, that is what is inspiring me to stop living my life for me.

 I don’t want to keep living a selfish life. When others don’t put me first all the time, I don’t want to think about why I wish they would, but instead I want to put them first and understand that I’m not the most important part of their life (which I do know, by the way). Rather than making things all about me and my feelings, I want to think of others and their feelings. I want to live my life loving others well. And I think that is how God would want me to live.

 I hope you find the passion to live your life the same way.

Blessings,

 Mackenzie Carol